DEAR DIARY
I just wish we’d had some
more time. It might have made all the difference…
***
Monday, 11th June 2012
Do you talk to
yourself? Crack up at your own jokes? Amaze yourself with your wits
and whine about the fools that cross your path? Have you ever been called
"obstinate", “difficult", "distant", or
"delusional"? And if you really are any of the above, do you really
qualify as a lunatic? A maniac? A mad-man? A psycho? I overheard Russey calling
me one this morning. The first day of the week my dear Diary, and it is plain
unfortunate that people would start their days like this. A society like ours
isn't equipped to deal with the self-engrossed, the self-satiated, the
"different". I can understand. It doesn't affect me. I don’t feel the
need to “belong” to a society that is only too busy dictating terms. I love
myself and the ones that I am close to, and I’m perfectly aware of my sanity. I
can hear voices within me - good, bad and ugly. They keep me company, talk to
me, and even guide me. If anything, I am lucky. You may call me gifted. I am
gifted to see, hear and feel the things that others might never be able to…
Wednesday, 13th June 2012
Today was a regular day.
Mother woke me up with a glass of warm milk. It's Wednesday - my favourite day
as I get to gorge on Aloo parathas with lots of butter for breakfast. I gulped
them down and quickly got ready for office lest D'Costa or Russey find another
reason to run me down with their ever-scathing remarks. Mother rushed to
apply curd-tika on my forehead before
I left for office, and handed me a list of grocery items that I needed to get
from the bazaar on my way back. A tika on the forehead is the easiest way to
ward off an evil eye, and curd brings in good luck, thereby making the curd tika my mother’s best resort to keeping
her only son protected in this big, bad world. I don’t believe in superstitions
myself, but I don’t mind following a few to keep mother happy. I think I am
very lucky to live with my mother and I love her the most in the world. I don't
care if the idiots at work poke fun at me, "Eh, Arnie boy, coming to the
club with us? Oh wait, momma's waiting up for you!" –VJ laughed last Friday
as he left for Club Q after work with his other "cool" peers.
Jealousy does things to people, you see...I’d rather go home, finish dinner and
go to bed than drink liquor and dance all night long, whine and dine with
strangers and be at their mercy to be carried back home, as if I were a dead
man!
Anyway, I reached office on
time today. There was no sign of D'Costa and so his unending list of jibes
would not ensue. I have been on bench for the last couple of weeks and the PMO
decided to do me this huge favour (sarcasm, my dear Diary) by giving me a
temporary internal IT project with D’Costa himself. I quickly glanced at Mary's
seat. It was empty. This was a rather bad coincidence - another lost chance. I
am sure VJ and clan felt the same way. After all Mary was the reason most of us
tried to look our best in office, wore our neatly ironed shirts, applied enough
deodorant for our neighbours to die of sneezing, queued to the coffee bar for
reasons other than the saccharine drops of liquid dripping off the rarely-maintained
vending machine, participated “willingly” in all those foolish team activities,
and more often than not - the very purpose of coming to office. With no D’Costa
or Mary around, I had no reason or incentive to stay back in office and came home
early.
Friday, 29th June 2012
Today has been a bad day.
The PMO put me back in Russey’s project today. Russey summoned me to his seat
before lunch and derided me in front of the team. My code supposedly had more
bugs than the entire technical team’s combined. He started off - “Firstly, you
would call me Sir. Can't you see how others address me? I need some discipline
from you. You would complete your hours and talk to me and others with respect.
Secondly, I am tired of all the complaints I have heard about your code – you
supposedly have twelve years of IT experience and yet behave no better than a
fresher!”
I was so furious with Russey and his tone today that I
decided to teach that little bastard a lesson on who’s the boss! I immediately
reached for his collar, but had to stop short of punching his ugly, insolent
face as I saw Mary entering the premises. “I am not others, and I am an IT
professional, not a peon” saying which I quickly left the cubicle making sure
that Mary didn't notice me in that state. Russey however made a mental note of
my behavior and chuckled at his new-found knowledge. He would use it against
me, I am sure.
Monday, 2nd July 2012
Today was a great day. It
was Mary’s turn to give our monthly technical presentation. She spoke on
“Operating Systems – then and now” and how she slayed! Strutting about the room
in a snow white cotton salwar kameez, she spoke in a voice so mellifluous that
I thought I heard the shuffle of an angel's feet. With her pitch modulations,
gestures, facial expressions and grace, she completely owned the stage, the
room, and pretty much everyone in the audience. Never before had the training
room been so occupied, and so enthralled. Attended by practically everyone I
knew in the company; the presentation had become the biggest event of the
month. As she finished, there was a thunderous applause. And then we saw
something for the first time in the history of SciTech Industries – D’Costa,
the most demoralizing superior one could ever come across in life actually
stood up to give Mary a standing ovation! He gave a half an hour speech
praising her and only got off the podium when his assistant gestured him to
attend another meeting that he was already late for…That was something! I don't
know how I felt about the whole thing: proud of Mary or sick of D’Costa, or
both.
I had first met Clinton
D'Costa on the 21st of May 2005, the day I joined the company. A tall, dark,
middle-aged man of rugged countenance, he was blessed with a glib-tongue that
helped him have his way almost anywhere. In an industry like ours, where every
ambitious individual is always trying to race ahead of his peers, D'Costa had
succeeded in beating his every rival in climbing up the ladder and reaching a
position that others could only dream of. He had tried every technique by the
book and beyond, to reach where he had – worked like a dog, kissed asses, used
his oratory skills to charm, slept with the boss's wife and blamed her for
exploitation; thereby taking her husband's position, misled his peers, created
political factions in the company – there really was nothing he hadn’t tried.
All said and done, at the age of forty-five, he was already a managing director
of SciTech Industries, a company that boasted of an employee strength of over
fifty thousand.
Coming back to Mary… I was
still crushing over her after the presentation and went to the coffee bar,
where I saw her chat with VJ, Russey and the others in my team. Oh, the pangs
of jealousy! I quickly filled my coffee cup and was about to return to my desk
when Russey "invited" me to join them. I can't really explain
how weird this was: the idea of joining people I hate the most in the world,
AND the person I had begun falling for, both at the same time, at the same
table was beyond the uncomfortable. It was distressing, it was unsettling…
Calculating all the pros and cons, I decided it wise to walk up to them. Who
knew? It could be my golden opportunity to talk to Mary…
I reached the table and
smiled at all of them. They smiled back and continued talking. Mary was
standing right next to me - making me freeze with her sheer presence. I was
tempted to run away, but Russey decided to have some fun - "Mary, you know
Arnab right? He had something to tell you" and suddenly all eyes were at
me, including hers. Those huge hypnotic black stones of onyx were now drilling
into mine, and I felt trapped in an endless stretch of beautiful midnight sky
where I knew I could float forever and never escape… VJ prodded me again and
I started muttering something that even I could not understand. Forget
meaningful conversation, I couldn't even formulate one complete sentence. While
the others had a nice laugh about it, Mary seemed concerned, maybe curious to
know what I had in mind. Sensing encouragement, I finally managed to get a grip
on myself and mustering up all my strength, I said - "Mary, you were great
today! I really loved your presentation.” Mary smiled and said - "Thanks
Arnab. I loved your presentation too, the one you gave six months back on Artificial
Intelligence. I thought I would follow-up on that with you, but you seem so
occupied always.” I said "Really? I would love to discuss anything with
you Mary, anytime!” And I had uttered two full sentences! Funny what
encouragement does to people!
My colleagues couldn't
believe what just happened. She knew I existed, she loved a presentation that I
had given six months back; one that these fools didn't even bother to attend,
she thought I was hardworking, and…she wanted to come up and talk to me.
For the rest of the day,
all I did was smile and think about this incident, my dear Diary…I am not
hungry tonight and I am sure I wouldn't get sleep either…
Wednesday, 4th July 2012
It’s Wednesday again. I had
my favourite Aloo parathas and lassi topped with a nice, heart-to-heart with
mother for breakfast. I am waiting for the right time to tell mother about
Mary. She’s the one person I am closest to. Would she consider us an ideal
match? The last time she said a girl wasn’t right for me was when I was still
in engineering college. I was head over heels in love with Maya, as she was
with me. But life had other plans. I still remember that fateful day. I was
home after my sixth semester exams, when the news of Maya’s death had reached
me - crushing me and leaving me with the inability to love again. Mother has
been guilty ever since. She has been goading me to talk to women, start dating,
and get married. “I can’t be with you forever Aru, you need to find a companion
for yourself.” It has been seven long years since our last discussion and I
don’t know if she is still on the same page.
Mary and I wave at each
other and sometimes even talk these days, much to the chagrin of my teammates.
Finding her alone at the coffee bar today, I initiated a conversation with her.
I even discussed some fundamentals of machine learning with her. All of 25, she
still understood everything I explained. Maybe she really finds me interesting.
I feel like a teenager these days. I get butterflies in my stomach every time I
see her. I am convinced that I am in love again…
Friday, 13th July 2012
Mary wore a short black
dress to work today, as if she came dressed for a date. She seemed busy, but I
did get a chance to exchange numbers with her when she came to the coffee bar.
Can you believe it? I have her number! I can die of happiness today. But you
know how all the stars in the universe conspire to wreak havoc on you when your
happiness quotient is on a rise. Russey came to my seat during snacks and
called me for a quick meeting with D'Costa. They had many complaints. I was
asked to complete all my pending tasks by EOD TODAY (In CAPS and bold).
They decided to put me on disciplinary probation owing to my bad behaviour and
lousy performance at work. And within an hour’s time, my happiness quotient
came down from +1 to –infinity.
The strangest thing however
happened in the evening. Russey came bossing around again, demanding me to sit
late and finish the bug fixing. There was no sign of Mary in office. I wondered
if she had already left for home, or went out with the team. I glanced out of
the window. She was downstairs and hadn't left with them. Thank God! Was she
waiting for a rickshaw to go home? A rickshaw passed by, but she didn't bother
to hail it. After a while, I saw a black Audi A3 approaching, and stopping
right next to her. She got into the Audi and left. I wonder where she went and
with whom. Was it her date? This very thought is driving me mad and I have
hardly been able to breathe.
I somehow finished my work
by twelve and came back home. I would get no sleep tonight for sure, my dear
Diary…
Saturday, 14th July 2012
It's Saturday. I woke up
and made a call to the mobile company to enable GPRS on my cell phone. I had to
know everything– this urge, this uncontrollable desire to own Mary is filling
me up. I added her on Facebook first. She accepted my request immediately. I
checked her Facebook profile. She has a lot of pictures with her friends, and
most of them - male. I don't like this. “Having drinks with mah bff!” reads the
caption. Who on earth talks like that? Is it common for people her age? I shall
ask her to keep away from these men. You can never trust them, especially with
a woman so beautiful.
My next action item was her
WhatsApp account. I loved her display picture. She came online soon. Was she
doing what I was doing? Cyber-stalking is what it is called these days. This is
good. Maybe she was checking out my display pic too! Maybe she was waiting for
my ping…Maybe she wanted to ping me but was too shy to initiate conversation.
What should be my next step? Let me wait and watch...
Well she did come online a few more times (twelve times to be
precise) but didn't ping me. But I am increasingly convinced now that we
both have the same feelings for each other, it is just a matter of time now, my
dear Diary, Good Night!
Friday, 27th July 2012
I have worked very hard the
last couple of weeks - came early to office, finished work before time, coded
bug-free, left late, and took work home. I didn’t want to give them a reason to
reprimand me anymore. For things to progress between Mary and me, it is
necessary for me to do well. And unbelievable as it may seem, Russey has
actually started taking notice of my work. I can see a change in him.
Mary came late to work
today. Mary, Oh my dear Mary! She looked resplendent in red. I have started
pinging her on WhatsApp these days. Sometimes she responds,
sometimes she doesn’t. I wonder why she doesn’t, when she doesn’t.
I have started going with
Russey, VJ and team for lunch. I have decided to be polite and more sociable.
Women love men who are loved by all says the “The Dating Guide for Today’s Men”
that I am cramming up these days. Also, humour and wit are considered to be the
best social lubricants and aphrodisiacs. I think I am pretty well-endowed in
that department, you see…I unleashed the casual, funny version of myself on my
team today. I must say that my discussions and jokes were very well-received.
In fact, my confidence was on such a high today, that I found no more reasons
to delay asking her out. I wanted to take her to Barista by the Bay, or maybe a
fine dine restaurant tonight itself. I inquired VJ about ideal places you could
go to for your first date. He appeared surprised but helped me choose an
impressive alfresco terrace restaurant, “At the Top” where we could have
candle-lit dinner, sip on exquisite wine and look at the beautiful city lights
from the fortieth floor while Elvis and Bolton played in the background. It
would be a pleasant surprise for her as well, I am sure…
It was a Friday and I
needed to book the place early. I went to quickly check with her, but she had
already left. This drove me crazy…This was becoming a ritual of sorts - come
Friday and Mary would leave early from office, like really, really early.
I came home soon after,
what else could I do? I pinged her on WhatsApp, but received no response.
I have a headache now and I
shall sleep soon. Good Night, dear Diary…
Saturday, 28th July 2012
It's Saturday. I remember
not so long ago, when I would wait eagerly for Saturdays. I would wake up late,
mother and I would chat endlessly for hours, go out and shop for groceries, and
watch television like there was no tomorrow. Life has changed. I look forward
to weekdays now. The need to see Mary, meet her, talk to her, and be with her
engulfs my very being like wild fire.
I have preserved every
little thing of hers - her every email, our chats, her pictures, the piece of
paper on which she gave me her number, her signature that I stole from her last
page, her hair clip that I found in her drawer, her handkerchief that she
inadvertently (or purposely) dropped near my desk, I have them all in my
showcase. I waited all day for her to come online, but she didn't.
Sunday, 29th July 2012
I kept waiting for her to
come online on WhatsApp since seven in the morning. She came online exactly
nineteen times. She had still not responded to my older messages. She kept
coming online but kept ignoring me. Why was she doing this to me? I don’t
understand women. I think they do this on purpose to see how serious we men are
about them. Anyway, I finally got a response when I was having my dinner,
"Hi Arnab. Is anything urgent?" I desperately needed some
breakthrough today. So I asked her if she would like to come out with me
tomorrow. She curtly replied - "It's really late now Arnab. Let’s talk
later. Good night". I pleaded with her "Please Mary, I am really
looking forward to it. At least, meet me for coffee. We really need to talk.
It’s important" She said nothing. I waited for another hour and then
switched off my phone. I couldn't bear to see her online and not chat with
me.
Friday, 3rd August 2012
It's been a bad week.
D'Costa is personally making me slog, so much so that I can barely leave my
seat. I have been so occupied with work that I have barely got time to look at
Mary, let alone spend time with her. Something was off about her. To cheer her
up, I sent her cards, chocolates and flowers. I pinged her on WhatsApp and even
on our office messenger to check with her. I tried calling her, but she
wouldn't answer. She is practically getting incommunicado these days. Why was
she doing this to me? I am choking. I am finding it difficult to breathe…
I went for a quick round of
coffee. As I finished filling my coffee mug and turned around, I found Mary
entering the coffee bar. Seeing me, she stood still, visibly
unsettled. When I gestured her to come over to my table, she reluctantly came
and sat next to me. I confronted her about not responding to my messages and
she said "Fine, tell me right away whatever it is that you so want to talk
about."
I was so troubled, so
emotional that I was about to pour my entire heart out to her. But D'Costa suddenly appeared from nowhere.
"We need to discuss something. In my cabin immediately, Mary" What he
needed to discuss with a junior tester immediately in his cabin was beyond my
comprehension...Well. I had no option but to go back to my seat and wait for a
chance encounter with Mary again. My hatred for this incorrigible, old man
grows every passing day!
Saturday, 11th August 2012
I woke up late today and am
down with a really bad headache. I think this is what they call a hangover.
Let me narrate what
happened yesterday -
I won the "Star
Performer of the Month" award. Russey had personally appealed for my case.
There would probably be a team-level celebration. Since D’Costa was nowhere in
sight, Russey presented the award to me. He said “Well done, Bro”. It felt cool
and kind of young to be called “Bro”. My teammates and I have really come a
long way. I only wished Mary were around!
VJ said "Come along. A
couple of drinks with us won’t hurt you." I’ve never liked to indulge in drinking
or smoking. But I was feeling low and I agreed to join my new friends to the
nearest Irish pub. It was a Friday evening after all…and that what cool guys
do!
We started walking towards
the pub at around 7 pm. As we were passing by the Barista, I felt like I saw
Mary. She was sitting all by herself. Did she mysteriously know that I would
pass by that route? Love? Serendipity? Anything? Well…My bubble burst soon
after when I saw D’Costa walking towards her seat with two Grande’s in his
hands. What surprised me the most was the way Mary welcomed him to her table.
Is he the reason she has been avoiding me lately? Oh God…please don’t tell me
they are having an affair! But what about me? She doesn't say it, but I know
she loves me! All the indications are in place…Why is she doing this then? Is
this over her fear of losing her job? Oh my poor poor Mary…Without any further
ado, I rushed to the café to give that loser a piece of my mind. My friends saw
this and quickly managed to pull me away “Come on Bro, we don’t want to create
a scene here” VJ said.
As they dragged me out, I
saw a black Audi A3 outside the café. I had a close look at the vehicle. It was
D’Costa’s. It had his initials. Son-of-a-Bitch! It had been him all along.
Hideous to the point of no correction, this much-married, father-of-two,
shameless rabid dog was using his powers to have his way with a beautiful young
subordinate. I had to save her, but Russey said I should wait for the right
time. We went to the pub and had some cocktails – Long Island Iced Tea's
(LIT’s, as they are lovingly called) I remember having one, refusing the
second, but ending up having it, and then probably going for a third one.
And, that’s all that I can
remember…
Sunday, 12th August 2012
It’s strange that VJ and
Russey called several times to check with me since yesterday. They kept
enquiring about mother and asked where she was when they dropped me home Friday
night. Now, how was I supposed to know, if I was not in my senses? They asked
me about my previous company and where I hailed from, and other typical
background verification-type questions. Now this is invading my personal space
and I am not liking this at all. So what if I drank with them one night? So
what if they carried me home that night? My background is none of their
business and I will never bother to answer...
Monday, 13th August 2012
It was our annual day in
office today, a day our company goes out of its way to treat us with great
respect. There’s food, drinks, dance and entertainment, all in grand scale –
all five-star. There’s just one catch – the first three hours belong to them.
They present the company’s growth, road map, progress in every sector, what
went well and what didn’t, etc. - we are fed so much information that by the
time they are done with their sermons; we typically lose all interest in the
food and drinks (corporate strategy, perhaps). I left for the venue alone
because my friends strangely didn’t bother to take me along.
After two gruelling hours,
I decided to go to the terrace for some fresh air. We were on the twenty fifth
floor and the view was breath-taking. It was getting dark, and I could see the
beautiful, glittering city from the terrace. Sweet monsoon breeze combined with
a light drizzle made the atmosphere very romantic. All I could think about was
Mary, the unfortunate situation our love life was in because of D’Costa and the
sudden change in my team’s behaviour today. As I turned to my right, I could
suddenly see the silhouette of a tall girl with long hair. She was standing
close to the glass railing on the other side of the terrace, gazing intently at
the view…
I don’t know what got into
me. The hope that it could be Mary consumed me. I started approaching her. As I
came closer, I began to realize that it was Mary indeed. The mood was perfect,
and the atmosphere played great sport. I started moving with a gait so spirited
that it could put a sprinter to shame. My heart was pounding. It was sheer
ecstasy. The wish to hold her and talk her into loving me intoxicated me like
the LITs I had the other night. We would be together. I would ensure that! As
soon as she was within reach, I lunged forward and pulled her in for a hug. It
surprised her. "It’s just me, sweetheart. Don’t worry, I really love you
and I know you do too.” But she tried to get away. The drizzle had now turned
into steady rain and I could feel Mary shivering. I tightened my grip around
her for the shivering to stop. She started shouting, but I tightly closed her
mouth, lest anyone saw us. This was our moment, and ours alone. After a few
minutes of revolt, she stopped fighting back and seemed to be at peace, eyes
tightly shut. I stepped forward, bent my head a little and started kissing her
soft, wet lips, gently at first and then with a swift gradation of intensity.
It was a moment of pure bliss. We were together finally….But very soon, as luck
would have it, someone chose this most inopportune moment to barge into my
private little moment of happiness. It was D’Costa - who else? The old rascal,
fuming in envy and screaming his lungs out to me - “You pervert, what do you
think you are doing? I will call the police right away”
As he dialled the number, I
decided that I was done. I had had it with him and his stupid organization. I
charged at him immediately. He threw up his arms like a goal keeper guarding
his goal, but I pushed his elbow down and away, caught his head, and rolled him
into the floor towards the glass railing. He rolled to a distance but was up on
his feet quickly. He continued to retreat and put his hands in his pocket
frantically searching for his phone. I continued advancing. He tried to counter
me with a knock, but he missed and kept moving along the railing. I started
punching his ugly face, now on the glass with blows of increasing intensity. I
don’t remember exactly when the glass broke, and when D’Costa plummeted
twenty-five floors down from the terrace. I just remember being glad that the
nightmare was finally over. I turned around to look at Mary, but it seems like
she had fainted. I tried to wake her up, but she wouldn’t. I could hear sirens
wailing in the distance and knew that it was time to run away.
I rushed home and told
mother that we have to leave for Delhi. Mary would be fine soon, and I would
call her to explain what happened. I know she loves me too and wouldn’t rat me
out to the police. And we would all stay together like a happy family ever
after!
***
Well, things didn’t really
go for Arnab as he had planned and written in his diary. The police caught up
with him as he was trying to board the Rajdhani Express for Delhi. He tried to
resist arrest but the police had all the proof that they needed. In his rush to
escape, he had left his diary at home which the police recovered.
VJ and I fully cooperated
with the police and gave them all the information that we had. We might have
never liked D’Costa, but we could never think of taking his life. And Mary? I
don’t know what she had done to deserve such a fate – death by asphyxiation!
Arnab didn’t even realize that in the heat of the moment when Mary was
struggling to get away from him, he had actually ended up choking his beloved
to death.
We were initially right
about Arnab. He was my subordinate and I always thought there was something
diabolical, something very strange about him. But the façade that he wore in
the last few months completely fooled VJ, me and most of our team members. We
really thought he had improved. He worked well, started socializing with us and
seemed to have genuine feelings for Mary.
The first time we realised
that something was amiss was last Friday, when we went to drop him at his place
after drinks. Arnab had always maintained that he lived with his mother and was
very close to her, but we saw no trace of her in his house except for her
garlanded portrait. Also, we had no idea of where he was before he joined
SciTech Industries. He completely eluded any mention of his past. The police
later spoke with his neighbours who said that he lived alone and never
interacted with them.
Arnab broke down and confessed
to killing D’Costa when he heard of Mary’s death. He had woven a love story
with Mary – all in his head. It was a one-sided affair and poor Mary had no
idea of what she was getting into. While she was fine being friends with him,
he misunderstood her friendliness for love and kept on pestering her with
messages, mails, calls and flowers. Things took a turn for the worse when he
started compulsively stalking her. He was getting increasingly jealous of
D'Costa and his proximity to Mary. Of course, he did not know that Mary
was D’Costa’s illegitimate daughter from a previous relationship that Mary had
recently discovered. D’Costa felt guilty of his past and wanted to make amends.
He also started getting protective about Mary, especially after she told him
about Arnab’s increasingly clingy behaviour.
The police found proof that
Arnab had killed his girlfriend, Maya fourteen years back during a squabble
about his mother. Maya didn’t like his possessive mother and had suggested that
they put her in an old age home, which drove Arnab mad. He choked Maya in a fit
of rage and dumped her body in a river. The killer was never found, but the
police read a remorse-filled account in his diary.
The police psychologist
revealed that Arnab had been dogged for years by his overbearing mother. She
had never let him have his life – hang around with his friends, go for parties,
have girlfriends, or get married. Around seven years back, she really pushed
him over the edge when they had a heated discussion about Maya and he killed
her that night by giving her a few extra pills of medicine. The doctor said
that she had died due to an accidental drug overdose. He moved to Mumbai to
escape her memories and joined our organization. But he could never really
escape his mother. He started believing that she was alive and started living
this imaginary life.
We were quite close to
discovering the truth, had all this not happened in such a hurry. Maybe we
could've even saved Mary and D’Costa from their untimely deaths.
I just wish we’d had some
more time. It might have made all the difference…
a soft Psychological thriller , a good sign to start as a write ... hope to see more from you madame
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